Breakdown

So, it's been quite a while since last I wrote.  It's been a rather rough patch for me, and I simply didn't have it in me to sit down and write about it.

Work began as a whirlwind this school year, starting on kindergarten orientation day.  By my afternoon orientation session, my class size of 19 began to climb.  It topped out at 24, after days of students trickling in one and two at a time, sometimes announced and sometimes by surprise.  My stress level climbed at the same rate, and quickly spiraled out of control.  The year of sabbatical, my new attitude, my zen all flew out the single window of my classroom.  After 16 days of school, another teacher was (finally!) added, but did little to lighten the load in my classroom, though it was nice to have more space and less people to run into.

Once I found myself in this state, I could not escape it.  I felt suffocated.  Home was not much better because there was no respite.  My husband hurriedly added activities for our children, which I agree are valuable, but I found myself sinking lower and lower into despair, with no time in my schedule to breathe.  Life was just so darn busy - every stinking moment.

I reached out and got some help.  I started to set aside time for myself.  Still, in a parent meeting, I had my first ever panic attack, crying in front of them, unable to stop for about 20-30 minutes even after the meeting ended.  I can write about this now because I'm on the upswing.  Still not back to myself, but on my way there.

If this has taught me nothing else, it is the importance of self-care.  I spend so much time taking care of other people.  My husband.  My children.  My students.  Every.  Blessed.  Moment.  Of.  My.  Day.  I've stopped even trying to go to every one of my kids' games.  Sometimes I just can't do it.  I went away with my bestie for a weekend.  My husband has to be a single dad here and there.  We bought a Nordictrack spin bike and I'm going to commit to myself and my health to fit in at least 3 days a week (preferably 4).

I've realized I physically and mentally need to teach a different grade level, one that allows at least a moment of silence and solitude throughout the day.  I can't physically meet the demands of being needed every second by 17 little cuties at the same time.  I just don't have it in me.  I adore the children.  I want to be everything they need of me, but I simply am not capable.  Perhaps if I was younger, or didn't have my own children, or wasn't so overwhelmed by stress.  

No one else is going to take care of me, so I need to take care of myself.  I need to set boundaries and limits.  I need to hold my hand up and say "when."  I reached my breaking point and the only one to keep me from falling into a thousand pieces was me.

If you, too, are feeling overwhelmed, close to breaking, at the end of your rope, please know you are not alone.  Ask for help.  Make sure you get it.  Take a step back if you need it because you deserve it.  We women spend so much time taking care of others and we need to take care of ourselves as well.  If you need to talk, whether I know you or not, please know I would be glad to listen.  Anytime.      

Back to School

Today was bittersweet for me.  It officially marked the end of my sabbatical, but the beginning of new opportunity.  My children started school today and I attended my first in-service of the year.

While I felt sad not to be there to put them on the bus and say goodbye, I knew they were in good hands with my husband.  (I mean, who wouldn't be sad to leave these cuties???)

 Though I am wistful that my year "off" is over, I am so grateful that I had it, and I am truly excited to meet my new students.  As I hoped, I feel renewed and rejuvenated.  Now entering my 18th year, I'm trying to hang on to the joy and passion that brought me to teaching in the first place.

And I know my kids will be ok.  They will be resilient.  They will use my "absence" to develop skills to help them be independent in the long run, which is my goal as a parent, after all.  I want them to grow up and go off on their own (just hopefully not too far!) and have their own lives and families.  So, while I would love to keep them little forever, they are growing up.  They don't need me as much.

But you know who does?  My students do.  😊  They need me to be there to teach them and help them to grow.  Most importantly, they need me to be there to care for them and ensure that they get what they need, whatever that might be, no matter how big or small.  So, I choose to be happy and excited about going back this year.  Just like my kids did this morning.

In the same way I hope my children's teachers are present and invested in my kids each day, I am returning to my students.  These kids were meant to be in my care, for we each have something to teach one another.  Then at the end of each day with my kindergarten cuties, I get to come home to my own two cuties!

Wishing you and your families a wonderful school year!

       

A Few of My Favorite...BOOKS!

As it is summer, a time when many are looking for books to devour, I figured I would put a list together of some of my own must-read recommendations.  Here they are, in no particular order:

• The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger  is one of my all-time favorites.  But NOT the movie.  The movie is terrible.  Don't judge the book by the movie, if you saw it.  
• Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen

• The Help by Kathryn Stockett
• The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein
• Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden is a recent read of mine.  It was recommended by a friend, and is not a choice I would usually make, but it was fantastic!  A little slow to start, but then I couldn't put it down.
• All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr
• The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah
• The 5th Wave series by Rick Yancey
• Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon
• The Talisman by Stephen King and Peter Straub
• Me Before You by Jojo Moyes
• The Language of Flowers by Vanessa Diffenbaugh
• Divergent series by Veronica Roth
• Almost anything written by Jodi Picoult - she's my FAVORITE!!!  I especially love The Storyteller and My Sister's Keeper
• Unwind dystology by Neal Shusterman
• The Red Tent by Anita Diamant
• Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore
• Dark Places, Sharp Objects, and Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn
• The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
• The Hunger Games trilogy by Suzanne Collins
• Running with Scissors: A Memoir by Augusten Burroughs
• The Glass Castle: A Memoir by Jeannette Walls
• I Know This Much is True and The Hour I First Believed by Wally Lamb
• White Oleander by Janet Fitch
• The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
• Night by Elie Wiesel
• The Giver quartet by Lois Lowry
• The DaVinci Code series by Dan Brown
• Breakthrough series by Michael C. Grumley
• Devil in the White City by Erik Larson
• A Perfect Evil and the rest of the Maggie O'Dell series by Alex Kava
• Harry Potter series by J. K. Rowling
• The Good Good Pig: The Extraordinary Life of Christopher Hogwood by Sy Montgomery
• Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer

I'm sure I could list many more, if I sit and think a while longer.  But this seems like a good start.  I hope it helps you come up with some titillating summer reading choices!  Enjoy!

Edited to add:

• A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman
• The Life We Bury by Allen Eskens
• All the Ugly and Wonderful Things by Bryn Greenwood
• What She Knew by Gilly Macmillan
• The Woman in Cabin 10 by Ruth Ware
• Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption by Laura Hillenbrand
• The Patron Saint of Butterflies by Cecelia Galante
• The Will Trent and Grant County Thrillers series by Karin Slaughter
• The Cormoran Strike series by Robert Galbraith
• The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett
• Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty
• If I Stay and Where She Went by Gayle Forman
• Orphan Train: A Novel by Christina Baker Kline
• A Dog's Purpose: A Novel for Humans by W. Bruce Cameron
• Wonder by R. J. Palacio
• The Bern Saga and the Wool Omnibus by Hugh C. Howey
• Holes by Louis Sachar

A Piece of the Puzzle

So, I've been dealing with pretty extreme fatigue for months now - since the end of October 2017 to be exact.  In November, my PCP recommended a sleep study to eliminate the possibility of sleep apnea.  After waiting months for the first place to call me back, I found a different place to have my testing done.  (I never expected that sleep apnea was my issue, as I don't fit the typical patient.  I don't have a big neck.  I'm not severely overweight.  I don't snore.)  Anyway, I had my consultation for my sleep study at the end of April, and they gave me the home study kit to take home that night.  Within a couple of days, I was notified that I actually do have sleep apnea, and was scheduled for my machine titration at the end of May, where I stayed overnight and tried out the mask.  This one was most comfortable, in my opinion.  And the cutest.  (Just kidding.  None are cute, but better sleep might just make me look cuter!)

It was definitely not the best night of sleep I've ever had.  I never sleep well the first night in a new situation.  I had on this crazy mask, and I was connected to sensors all over my body (legs, head, chest, and finger).  I had to sleep on my back for part of the night, which is not comfortable for me in the least.  However, I suppose that's the most likely way your breathing is cut off, and the best way to test the pressure of the machine that is necessary to prevent that from happening.  Apparently, sleep apnea is where your throat relaxes to the point that it cuts off your breathing, which causes your brain to wake you up so you start breathing again.  

So, tomorrow is the day (after over 3 weeks of waiting since my sleep study - insurance is so sloooooow to approve anything) where I will finally get my CPAP.  It's not something I ever expected to be excited about.  In fact it makes me feel old.  I know it will take me a while to get used to the mask, so I get a better night's sleep, but at least I can sleep on my side!  I hope this will help me to feel rested so I have more energy throughout the day.  Fingers crossed that this is a missing piece of the puzzle for me!

Don't be jealous that I get to look like a fighter pilot while I sleep!  And if you are battling fatigue, consider going for a sleep study consult.  Even if you don't fit the mold of a typical sleep apnea patient.  Especially if you are a woman because we are under diagnosed for this very reason.        

What I've Learned After 2 Months of Gluten Free Eating

1.  I still have a LOT to learn!

2.  It's hard, especially eating out.  Honestly, eating out isn't all that fun anymore.  Not all restaurants are equally gluten-friendly.  My new favorite, Juniper Grill, has a ton of delicious options, is well labeled, the wait staff is accommodating and understanding, and they even have GF creme brûlée!!!  Other places that have options and make it easy are Max & Erma's, Burgatory, Cheesecake Factory, and Dairy Queen.  A quick Google search will bring up a menu of options so you can visit the restaurant well-informed.  Two local places that have GF options are Do Wood-Fired Pizza (just call ahead to make sure they are not out of the GF pizza crust - it's delicious!) and Burgher Burger.

3.  Other people don't really understand.  They may truly care, but most people have absolutely no idea what gluten is or where it is found.  Try not to take it personally.  If you think back to before you were GF, you likely knew nothing about it either.

4.  Bob's Red Mill GF all-purpose flour is fine for soups, but NOT for baking.  I tried it in pancakes and cupcakes, and it smelled and tasted terrible.  In potato soup and broccoli soup, no problem.  From what I've read, it's the chickpea flour.  So, I spent a ton of money on Amazon (over $50) to buy several flours to make my own baking mix, and it's been great!   I can NOT remember where I found this recipe, but it was somewhere on Pinterest.  I used:
24 oz. white rice flour
24 oz. sweet rice flour
24 oz. GF brown rice flour
20 oz. tapioca flour
2 1/2 T Xanthan Gum

Apparently, you can buy bags in these sizes elsewhere, but I couldn't find them.  So, I measured them out and placed them in a large glass jar.  Once it runs low, I can use my leftovers for another batch!

5.  It's a lot of trial and error.  I've tried a lot of meals and desserts, and only a few would be on my list to make again.  So far, these are:

• Slow Cooker Potato Soup Notes: I used 4 c. chicken stock, butter (not bacon grease), GF flour as a substitute for regular, regular fresh-shredded sharp cheddar cheese, and the low-fat sour cream.  YUM!  My hubby ate all the leftovers, so I only got it once for dinner.
• Banana Bread  Notes:  This is healthy and delicious - I love it for breakfast!  In place of the vegetable oil, I even used coconut oil to give it a nutritional boost, and it was perfect!
• Broccoli Cheese Soup  Note:  All you need to do is substitute GF flour!  So good!!!
• Cheesecake  Notes:  Delicious!  You won't miss the crust!  Just make sure to use a large pan, or you will be making two (I won't tell you how I know that...)
• Cilantro-Lime and Black Bean Shrimp and Rice Skillet  Note: This was the first time I've ever made shrimp at home, and it turned out delicious!

6.  Aldi's has a lot of reasonably-priced, yummy GF products!  If you haven't already realized, it is expensive to eat this way!

7.  Focus on foods you can have instead of those you can't.  I love baked goods, so I keep trying different recipes to make my own.  The fact that I can have a banana split blizzard from DQ or an Espresso Love milkshake from Burgatory is a total win for me!

8.  Two months in, I don't feel much different, though I am less bloated.  I do not have more energy, which is what I was going for.  I know I should probably eliminate all dairy and grains, but I'm still working on mastering this.  I also learned that I have sleep apnea (from a home study).  So, while I await my endocrinologist appointment and overnight sleep study, I'll stay GF.  If I find that all I need is my adorable CPAP machine to regain my energy, I will probably go back to gluten.  But that leads me to...

9.  YOU CAN DO IT!!!!  I am a carb addict.  I could live on pasta, and I've only had it once in two months (it was not good...).  It's very different to be making changes for your health instead of to lose weight.  (Strangely, that is also ultimately for your health, but it feels different.  Hopefully you know what I mean.)  It takes a LOT of reading and time to figure it out, but if I can make it through, you can, too.  I mean, sometimes, all I can have is a crappy grilled chicken salad because the restaurant has no GF options, but then I go get a blizzard from DQ and it's all good!

What are your tips and tricks for eating gluten-free?  What are your concerns about going GF?  Hit me up!