Breakdown

So, it's been quite a while since last I wrote.  It's been a rather rough patch for me, and I simply didn't have it in me to sit down and write about it.

Work began as a whirlwind this school year, starting on kindergarten orientation day.  By my afternoon orientation session, my class size of 19 began to climb.  It topped out at 24, after days of students trickling in one and two at a time, sometimes announced and sometimes by surprise.  My stress level climbed at the same rate, and quickly spiraled out of control.  The year of sabbatical, my new attitude, my zen all flew out the single window of my classroom.  After 16 days of school, another teacher was (finally!) added, but did little to lighten the load in my classroom, though it was nice to have more space and less people to run into.

Once I found myself in this state, I could not escape it.  I felt suffocated.  Home was not much better because there was no respite.  My husband hurriedly added activities for our children, which I agree are valuable, but I found myself sinking lower and lower into despair, with no time in my schedule to breathe.  Life was just so darn busy - every stinking moment.

I reached out and got some help.  I started to set aside time for myself.  Still, in a parent meeting, I had my first ever panic attack, crying in front of them, unable to stop for about 20-30 minutes even after the meeting ended.  I can write about this now because I'm on the upswing.  Still not back to myself, but on my way there.

If this has taught me nothing else, it is the importance of self-care.  I spend so much time taking care of other people.  My husband.  My children.  My students.  Every.  Blessed.  Moment.  Of.  My.  Day.  I've stopped even trying to go to every one of my kids' games.  Sometimes I just can't do it.  I went away with my bestie for a weekend.  My husband has to be a single dad here and there.  We bought a Nordictrack spin bike and I'm going to commit to myself and my health to fit in at least 3 days a week (preferably 4).

I've realized I physically and mentally need to teach a different grade level, one that allows at least a moment of silence and solitude throughout the day.  I can't physically meet the demands of being needed every second by 17 little cuties at the same time.  I just don't have it in me.  I adore the children.  I want to be everything they need of me, but I simply am not capable.  Perhaps if I was younger, or didn't have my own children, or wasn't so overwhelmed by stress.  

No one else is going to take care of me, so I need to take care of myself.  I need to set boundaries and limits.  I need to hold my hand up and say "when."  I reached my breaking point and the only one to keep me from falling into a thousand pieces was me.

If you, too, are feeling overwhelmed, close to breaking, at the end of your rope, please know you are not alone.  Ask for help.  Make sure you get it.  Take a step back if you need it because you deserve it.  We women spend so much time taking care of others and we need to take care of ourselves as well.  If you need to talk, whether I know you or not, please know I would be glad to listen.  Anytime.