What I Wish I Had Known...

At 18, fresh out of high school, I decided to devote my life to being a teacher.  I have always loved children, and this seemed an obvious choice.  I started off at the local community college to save money, transferred after two years, and finished my degree in Elementary Education with a great QPA.  Due to the fact that I did not immediately land a job, I decided to go straight on to get my Masters in Literacy and Reading Specialist certification.  I was fortunate enough to get a graduate assistantship, which left me with no additional debt, and finished the degree in a year.  Fortunately, this led to a few interviews and two job offers.  At 23, I began my career as a Title I teacher, working with grades K-2.

Over the years, I have earned 78 additional credits beyond my masters, tried a variety of positions,  and gained 16+ years of experience (I'm on sabbatical, so I'm not totally counting this year).  I've worked hard, loved my students, and hope to have made a positive difference in their lives.  I've also experienced stress and criticism beyond compare.  Now, I take my job very seriously.  I am shaping children's lives and I want them to leave my classroom better than when they enter it, in every way.  That is my mission.  Not only do I want them to have better skills, but I want them to feel better about themselves, more capable.

Yet.  I have spent those same 16+ years feeling the complete opposite, beaten down.

That the primary means of evaluating my performance would be a test score.  I wish I had known that there would not be enough time for the fun and joyful experiences of learning because those are not on the test.

That budgets would be cut as much as possible, expectations would be increased, and our every motive would be questioned and scrutinized.  It's demoralizing.  This is a career that most put their hearts and souls into.  When we leave at the end of the day, those students we worry about never leave our minds.

As I drive home, I worry and wonder about the kids who aren't making as much progress as I would like.  As I eat dinner with my own children, I worry about the kids who don't have enough food at home.  As I play a board game with my family, I feel sad for the kids whose own parents have to work into the evenings and don't have time to play with them.  When I am tucking my children in and reading them a bedtime story, I feel bad for the kids who don't have any books at home, or might not even have a bed.

As with nearly all teachers, the students in my classroom become "my kids."  Though I have only given birth to and raised two children, I have hundreds of kids that I have spent a school year getting to know and care about.  Each and every one will always hold a special place in my heart.  I celebrate their successes and often cry when they experience letdowns.

Ultimately, I wish I had known how much it would hurt to be so passionate about something, yet feel as if people mistrust you and question you.  I wish I had known how hard it would be, on so many levels, especially when you feel like you aren't making the difference you so desperately long to make.

Perhaps I'm too sensitive.  Perhaps I should have known better.  But I don't think I'm alone in these feelings, with the record number of good teachers leaving the classroom each year.  Something has got to change.  Attitudes toward teachers have got to improve because I'm telling you: we love your kids.  The vast majority of us want what's best for them and are there every day to help and care.

If you are a parent, give your child's teacher the benefit of the doubt.  Trust her until given reason not to.  Believe that he is there to guide your child to be the best kid possible.  I don't know even one teacher who chose the profession to ruin childrens' or parents' lives.  Not one.  When we make a suggestion or recommendation, as hard as it is for you to hear, please know it is just as hard to say.  But we want what is best for your children, which sometimes involves telling you things that you don't really want to hear.  Also know that when we tell you these hard things, we likely aren't judging you or your child.  We are just sharing information and our experiences to get your kid what he/she needs.

I wish I had known that even though the stress feels like too much to handle much of the time, that the expectations are too high, that I still couldn't imagine not working with kids.  My kids.

Autoimmunity and the root cause

Back in November, after seeing my PCP about my extreme fatigue and night sweats (suspecting it could be my thyroid, as I have has hypothyroidism since 2015), I had a great deal of blood work done.  A positive ANA test led me to visit a rheumatologist at the end of January, who suspected the positive result could, in fact, be linked to my thyroid issues.  She ran more tests and found that to be true.  While I have yet to get back for my follow-up appointment, all signs point to the fact that I must have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, which is autoimmune-based hypothyroidism.  This led me to read the book Hashimoto's thyroiditis: Lifestyle interventions for finding and treating the root cause by Izabella Wentz to try to find some answers.  I've been on Synthroid since 2015.  We seem to have my dosage correct, according to my TSH levels.  Yet I continue to feel tired and generally unwell.  This could even have something to do with my anxiety and depression - it's crazy how much is controlled by your thyroid, and how much an imbalance can effect you!

After reading this book (well, I'm about 2/3 of the way through at this point), I've come to the conclusion that I need to adopt a gluten-free diet.  Apparently, one of the root causes is a leaky gut, which can be perpetuated by gluten, even if tests do not indicate celiac disease.  This realization scares me because I love carbs and I am not a big meat fan.  I recognize that it is going to be a difficult transition that will make eating out very challenging.  I'm searching for recipes for cakes and icings because in all likelihood, I am going to need to make my own birthday cake for this reason.  I'm fast-forwarding to Easter and wondering what I am going to eat.  Yet if it will make me feel better, why wouldn't I do it?  And when thinking of the challenges that many other people face, this is truly not a big deal.

Another realization that I've come to is that it's likely that I will need to visit a functional medical provider to truly get to the root of my issues, which is not covered by insurance.  Being on sabbatical and less than half my salary, along with the expenses of being in graduate school, I don't have extra money to spend, even if it is on my health.  Especially when the first appointment alone (not including tests or medicines that are prescribed) is likely to be over $300!  Yikes!

So, perhaps I will begin with diet and see my rheumatologist again in a few weeks.  Maybe she will be willing to prescribe some of the tests recommended by Dr. Wentz in her book.  As I learn more, I will share more about my search for my own root cause and path to eventually (hopefully) helping to heal myself, or at the very least, feel a lot better.    

Weight Watchers Check-In

On a lighter note from the other day, I figured it was about time to check in regarding my Weight Watchers progress.  It's been slow going, as my commitment varies from week to week.  In the two months since I started (which included Christmas and New Year's), I've lost just over ten pounds.  I have 6 left to meet my goal before my birthday, but we will be away for a week of it, so I'm not overly optimistic that I'll get there.

However, I have to say that I'm pretty proud of my progress.  My clothes are fitting really well, and I'm feeling more comfortable with my body.  So, I suppose those are the important things, not the number on the scale.  For some reason, I didn't take my measurements until a month in, after I had lost over 5 pounds, so I'm not sure of the overall inches lost.  But since January 24, I'm down an inch in my waist, 1 1/4 in. in my hips, 1/2 in. in my thighs, and 1/2 inch in my arms.

As I said, my level of commitment varies.  Much of the time, I am extremely fatigued, so exercise is hard.  I get in a few days some weeks, and none on others.  One week, I lost easily because I didn't really feel like eating anything at all.  Other weeks, like this one when I want to be an emotional eater, I crave sweets and junk food.  At least I feel like I am finding a balance.  Even if I can only lose one more pound, yet maintain where I am, I can honestly say I'm OK with that.  

Unconditional Positive Regard

I haven't written in a while because I've been struggling.  A lot.  With myself.  With my life.  Emotionally.  I've been wondering why I can't be myself in many situations, can't speak freely, and thus remain quiet much of the time.  My anxiety is out of control.  Most of what I'm dealing with isn't fit to write, but I'm trying to work through it.  I recognize I can't change anything or anyone except myself.  I'm working on my self-talk.  Today, I happened upon this TED Talk that I really needed to hear.  If you have an extra 20 minutes, I would advise you to give it a watch.  While I can't control how other people see me and judge me, I can see myself in a better light.  So can you.  Perhaps if we can practice unconditional positive regard for ourselves, we can start to see others in a better light as well.

Unconditional Positive Regard - Michelle Charfen

Old Dresser Turned into New TV Stand with Chalk Paint and Wax!

Last week, I had the amazing idea to repurpose our old bedroom furniture, which is just sitting around in our office, looking old.  I decided to try out chalk paint for the first time ever.  I was admittedly a little nervous, as I have never used it before, but I liked the idea of no priming or sanding!  A lot!

This is what the dresser looked like after I removed the trip-fold mirror from the top, two of the drawers, and the drawer knobs:

So, after doing some research (and being a little hesitant to spend the amount of money that Annie Sloan products cost), I decided on this Renaissance Chalk Furniture Paint Deluxe Starter Kit from Amazon.  For $84.99, I got a quart of Ivory Tower paint, clear wax, dark wax, a brush for each of these items, a lint-free cloth, and gloves!  Since I needed all of these items, it seemed like a wise purchase.  Unfortunately, I didn't read carefully and had to wait longer than the normal two days for the kit to arrive, as it doesn't ship for 2-3 days.  (Once I get an idea, I'm nothing if not impatient!)

As I waited, I readied the furniture for painting by washing it down with Murphy's Oil Soap.  I purchased two pieces of MDF from Home Depot and had it cut to size for the shelves that I was creating.  I covered the carpet with brown paper to protect it, and removed the drawers and laid them out on the floor.  Finally, the paint came and I started that very day!

The paint was definitely thick.  I thought about thinning it with water, as I read some people like to do, but decided to keep it the way it came.  This is what it looked like after two coats:

 I wasn't sure if I liked the fact that I could see the brush strokes, but just had to adjust my vision for the piece, and to embrace the imperfection.

Since the piece would get more than a little bit of wear, I decided to coat the top in one layer of Minwax clear Polycrylic for some extra protection.  Then, after it dried, I covered the top and the rest in a thin layer of clear wax, a small piece at a time.  Following ideas from other blogs, I scooped out a bit at a time onto a paper plate, where I could dip the brush and evenly distribute the wax as I rubbed the brush on the plate.  After buffing the clear wax, I painted on dark wax in the areas I figured would show some wear, wiping it off immediately.   As I read, if it went on too heavy in places, I put a little dab of clear wax on the cloth and wiped it off, like it was an eraser.  This is what the piece looked like after I finished the wax:

Last, I installed the knobs, which I also ordered from Amazon at $10.99 for 12 knobs.  Once I received them, I realized the screws were slightly too long and had to purchase shorter screws from Home Depot.  Then, in some places, even these were too long, so I ordered these washers from Amazon for $7.35 for 100 to ensure a snug fit.  I love the way the knobs sparkle in the sun!

 Here's a close-up of the dark wax accenting the design at the top of the dresser:

Finally, after letting the dresser dry for a couple of days, we moved it to its new home and set up all of the gadgets in and on it.  I am pretty happy with how it turned out!  What do you think???