Human kindness

Human kindness

 Shavahn April 9, 2017 self-analysis

When I was 12 or 13 years old, my mom and I went to Apollo, PA for their Moonlanding celebration.  We used to live in the area and returned each year to see the fireworks and visit friends.  As we were walking back to our car, it began to rain, so my mom rushed ahead in the grass, as I remained on the sidewalk surrounding a large, grass  corner lot.  At this same time, a 17-year-old boy was driving down the hill and didn’t slow down enough to make the left turn on the slick roadway.  His car left the road and knocked me down.  I passed out momentarily, then came to, ready to tell everyone that I was OK, until I saw my mother.  While I was simply knocked off the side of the car, he physically plowed my mother down, then backed up and tried to flee the scene.  In my white capri pants, I ran to kneel at my mom’s side.  I could hear a gurgle as she struggled to breathe.  She was surrounded with her blood, which covered my pants.  As I cried uncontrollably, I felt powerless and alone.  That is, until an angel of a woman lifted me to standing and hugged me until the ambulance arrived.  She was a complete stranger and could’ve stood gawking as many others did, but she sought to ease my suffering.  I have no idea who she was, but I will never forget her kindness, that she physically supported and comforted me at a time when I needed it most.

By the grace of God, my mom survived the accident.  If we were not in a grassy area, where there was some give to the ground, I’m sure that the story would be different.  She had a severe brain injury that required surgery and for her to remain in an induced coma for a while.  Her tendon in one ankle was cut by something under the car.  After recovering enough to leave the hospital, she had to go to a rehab to learn to do many things all over again.  The entire process changed our relationship, and left me feeling like the adult for a while.  I was so afraid of something happening to her again that I treated her like a child.  Certainly this one event was pretty defining in my life.  I wonder if that boy ever thinks about what he did, the fact that he wasn’t even screened for drugs or alcohol, that he almost killed someone.  I wonder if that woman knows what a Godsend she was, being in my life at precisely the moment I needed her.  It was an example of opposite reactions to a traumatic event: to flee or to stay and provide comfort.  I am so grateful she decided to get involved that evening, to hug a strange little girl and offer support as she sobbed.  Perhaps one day I will be in a situation where I can pay it forward.

Fractured

Fractured

 Shavahn April 2, 2017 kids/family, self-analysis

I just finished a new book this morning, The Invisibles: a novel by Cecilia Galante, and this quote really struck a chord in me.

“I want to accept myself,” Grace said softly.  “I want to embrace every part of myself, the sick parts and the well parts.  I want to open myself to my child, however imperfect I might be, and love her the only way I know how, with my whole, fractured heart.”

As I struggle through issues from my past that still haunt me, things that cause me to be less than the mother I strive to be, I continue to love my children with my “whole, fractured heart.”  I only hope that they will be able to look past my imperfections and see this above all else.  I know many mistakes I don’t want to make as I parent, from my own experiences and those I’ve encountered as a teacher.  However, I am certain I will make many others that I pray they will be able to forgive.  I try to make the best choices for my children.  I want them to be more than me, have more than me, do more than me.  I want them to grow to be happy, productive people.  I want them to be free from issues that drag them down.  I hope they will be able to love their children with their whole hearts.

Becoming a mom

Becoming a mom

 Shavahn March 29, 2017 joy, kids/family, self-analysis

Mother’s Day 2016

My husband and I didn’t always want children.  We got married with the agreement that we were not going to have kids at all, just dogs, our furry children.  I’m a teacher, and I get a new crew of 20 or so kids each year that become part of my heart.  It was enough.  Six years in, I held my cousin’s new baby and had a realization: I think I want a baby.  It hit me out of nowhere.  Completely unexpected.  Even though I had suddenly changed my mind, my husband had not had the same epiphany.  We discussed it at length.  I had to be patient while he mulled it over.  (Which, if you know me, is NOT easy.  I don’t typically do patience.)  It was a scary time, knowing that our marriage hinged on this decision.  There is no way to compromise on having kids.  Someone wins and someone loses.

Even though I wanted kids, I was still scared about passing on unsavory genes that I carry: alcoholism, drug addiction, anxiety, probable mental illness, etc.  Not to mention how scary the world was/is – who wants to raise kids these days???  I waited for an answer.  It felt like an eternity.

Finally I got an answer, “I would rather be unhappy with you and a kid than be unhappy without you.”  Not what I was hoping for, but we rolled with it.  I got pregnant the first month we tried, and I think he was completely unprepared for this.  Throughout the pregnancy, he was in denial that there would eventually be another little human in our lives.

On March 25, 8 days before my due date, I went into labor.  I was 31 years old (I actually just had my birthday six days earlier).  At 11:08 AM, Reed entered the world and I fell instantaneously head over heels for this child.  I cried uncontrollably and repeated, “I love you.  I love you.”  It turns out that I was the one who was unprepared – for how profound this new love would be.  Honestly, it’s impossible to even put into words.  Not adequately, anyway.  All of a sudden, my life felt more important because I was chosen to be the protector and guide for this small being.  Me.  Would I be enough?  I vacillated between confidence and sheer terror as I cared for him.

Now, this tiny being is 8 years old.  And he has a younger brother, Cole, who joined us on March 20, a mere five days before Reed turned 3 years old.  They are the brightest spots in my life.  My heart is full when they are happy, and breaks when they are upset.  I want to protect them from every evil, provide them with every opportunity.  I want them to have the childhood I always wished for, the family I always dreamed of.  They are a way to repair the past.  They are my future.  I could write for hours about how grateful I am to be mom to these two boys.  In fact, I’m certain there will be many more entries on these two dudes.  Every cliche you’ve heard about having children is true.  I doubted them, but becoming a mom is the single best decision I’ve ever made.  It isn’t always easy, but these kids are everything that I never knew I always wanted.  Everything.

Reed

Cole

UPDATE:  I realized I skipped over my husband post-baby.  Though he was in denial throughout my entire pregnancy, he took to fatherhood from the moment Reed entered the world.  While he is not as verbal about his love of parenting as I am, he shows it daily in his actions.  As the boys grow older, he finally has someone to watch sports with him (I have zero interest).  He’s also got both boys involved in soccer and baseball this season, which he is either coaching or assistant coaching.  (While I have no interest in watching sports, I am 100% interested in watching MY kids play sports.  I will always be there to observe them – and my husband – with pride.)

My bucket is overflowing

My bucket is overflowing

 Shavahn March 19, 2017 joy

Today is my birthday, and my bucket is full. Over the last few years, I’ve often felt insignificant on my birthday. I can’t put my finger on why, but it’s usually a sad time for me. This weekend, it’s been a time of celebration and feeling loved.

Friday night, I spent hours talking and laughing with my two best friends.  We had a delicious dinner at Girasole –  the Alfredo sauce was so incredible I actually ate the remainder with a spoon!  Seriously!  Every drop! It’s not even on  the menu, but it should be!  I’ve never been to Girasole before, but Pie and his family, the ambience, amazing food, and soothing music made it certain that I will return one day soon.  Then we shut down Starbucks, sharing and soaking up the positive vibes, until 10:00 PM.  (I’m usually fast asleep by 9:30!!!)  It was healing, being with the two people I can say anything to, who love me no matter how inappropriate. I drove home feeling such gratitude for these women, that they’ve been placed in my life and have chosen to remain there for many years.

Saturday evening, my mother-in-law watched our boys so my husband, Chad, and I could go out (which is a rare treat, going out without children). We went to Mallorca, where they have the absolute best red sangria. As we paid the bill, I presented my birthday coupon, and the waiter leaned over to whisper to my husband. A few minutes later, he returned with two pieces of cake and led the entire restaurant in singing happy birthday to me. We had already eaten dessert, but who can pass on double dessert?

This morning, we picked up our boys and went to the Cheesecake Factory for brunch. The three of them got me a beautiful necklace as a gift. And a cake for later from my favorite bakery, Jess B Bakes! Chocolate cake, cookie dough filling, and whipped buttercream icing : perfection.

It’s only 11:23 AM and I can safely say this is one of the best birthdays I’ve had to date. Tomorrow, we will celebrate the birth of my younger son, Cole. Next Saturday, we will celebrate again for my older son, Reed’s, birthday. Two of the best people in my life, but I often feel forgotten in the midst of everything. Not this year. This year, I feel cherished, which I long for and appreciate more than anything. I’m glowing with gratitude today. I wish that each of you experience the same feeling on your birthday.

Me and Cole at breakfast

Anxiety

Anxiety

 Shavahn March 15, 2017 anxiety, kids/family

It seems I’m not the only one in my family with anxiety. My older son has been waking up after having nightmares almost nightly. Then, he is having a difficult time falling back to sleep, which makes him upset, which compounds the problem. While I’ve found ways to manage my anxiety (not until I was an adult, mind you), I am at a loss as to how to help my son. As any parent would, I wish I could take his fears and worries away, simply absorb them. He can’t even adequately express why he’s upset or what about, much less talk through it. It weighs heavy on my heart. Honestly, it’s causing me stress and anxiety. Not only am I worried about him, but my husband and I are tired. Today, I’m not so filled with positivity. I’m more consumed with worry, but I’m not complaining.  I just want better for my kids, more than I’ve had. While I want them to be strong, I want them to experience fewer struggles. I hope to find ways to help my little boy to deal with his anxiety in a healthy way (that no longer disrupts his sleep).