Becoming a mom
My husband and I didn’t always want children. We got married with the agreement that we were not going to have kids at all, just dogs, our furry children. I’m a teacher, and I get a new crew of 20 or so kids each year that become part of my heart. It was enough. Six years in, I held my cousin’s new baby and had a realization: I think I want a baby. It hit me out of nowhere. Completely unexpected. Even though I had suddenly changed my mind, my husband had not had the same epiphany. We discussed it at length. I had to be patient while he mulled it over. (Which, if you know me, is NOT easy. I don’t typically do patience.) It was a scary time, knowing that our marriage hinged on this decision. There is no way to compromise on having kids. Someone wins and someone loses.
Even though I wanted kids, I was still scared about passing on unsavory genes that I carry: alcoholism, drug addiction, anxiety, probable mental illness, etc. Not to mention how scary the world was/is – who wants to raise kids these days??? I waited for an answer. It felt like an eternity.
Finally I got an answer, “I would rather be unhappy with you and a kid than be unhappy without you.” Not what I was hoping for, but we rolled with it. I got pregnant the first month we tried, and I think he was completely unprepared for this. Throughout the pregnancy, he was in denial that there would eventually be another little human in our lives.
On March 25, 8 days before my due date, I went into labor. I was 31 years old (I actually just had my birthday six days earlier). At 11:08 AM, Reed entered the world and I fell instantaneously head over heels for this child. I cried uncontrollably and repeated, “I love you. I love you.” It turns out that I was the one who was unprepared – for how profound this new love would be. Honestly, it’s impossible to even put into words. Not adequately, anyway. All of a sudden, my life felt more important because I was chosen to be the protector and guide for this small being. Me. Would I be enough? I vacillated between confidence and sheer terror as I cared for him.
Now, this tiny being is 8 years old. And he has a younger brother, Cole, who joined us on March 20, a mere five days before Reed turned 3 years old. They are the brightest spots in my life. My heart is full when they are happy, and breaks when they are upset. I want to protect them from every evil, provide them with every opportunity. I want them to have the childhood I always wished for, the family I always dreamed of. They are a way to repair the past. They are my future. I could write for hours about how grateful I am to be mom to these two boys. In fact, I’m certain there will be many more entries on these two dudes. Every cliche you’ve heard about having children is true. I doubted them, but becoming a mom is the single best decision I’ve ever made. It isn’t always easy, but these kids are everything that I never knew I always wanted. Everything.
UPDATE: I realized I skipped over my husband post-baby. Though he was in denial throughout my entire pregnancy, he took to fatherhood from the moment Reed entered the world. While he is not as verbal about his love of parenting as I am, he shows it daily in his actions. As the boys grow older, he finally has someone to watch sports with him (I have zero interest). He’s also got both boys involved in soccer and baseball this season, which he is either coaching or assistant coaching. (While I have no interest in watching sports, I am 100% interested in watching MY kids play sports. I will always be there to observe them – and my husband – with pride.)
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