Hard is Hard

I listened to this TED Talk a while ago and think of it often.  Ash Beckham has so many valuable points here about having tough conversations.  I love how she says we need to stop ranking our hard against other people's hard.  Here's your inspiration for the day.  You're welcome.

First Day Jitters

Well, it's here!  The first day of school!  Kindergarten for Cole and 3rd grade for Reed, and I think I'm the only one with jitters. Cole woke up excited and happy!  Honestly, I know he is ready.  I've seen a new level of maturity emerge over the last couple of weeks.

Reed has one of his best buddies in his class, and I know he'll have a great year, too! 

It's after the pictures are taken that my jitters begin to form.  We're walking up to the bus, a full 6-7 minutes early, feeling certain that it will be late on the first day.  Nope!  Early!  So, then we're running up the hill!

 

No kiss.  No hug.  No anything aside from a yelled, rushed, "I love you!  Have a great day!"

 

Then Cole sits down.  Alone.

 

Reed has his buddy.

 

Cole smiles at me. We make hearts with our hands through the window.  I know it will be ok.  Someone will sit with him, right???

 

Then I get home to my husband asking about his name tag.  The one in his folder that I forgot to put on him.  Ugh!

Upset stomach.  Can't wait until 11:55 so I can pick him up and hear all about his day!

Fountains

 Woah!  Playing in the fountain in your clothes after dinner is SO fun!

 I LOVE it!!!!

 It's cold!

I want a towel!

Walking in Mud...

Shopping or Running Errands with Children:

Photo from http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/music/news/glastonbury-festival-2017-top-tips-essentials-help-what-to-bring-a7792101.html

Shopping or Running Errands without Children:

Does anyone else feel this way?  Or is it just me???

First Week of Magic

Well, we are just over a week into 1, 2, 3: Magic and I have to say that overall, it is going well.  I don't have actual statistics for you, but many days we make it through without a time out.  The biggest source of time-outs are both of the boys for arguing and fighting.  A couple of times, it has been Cole for having a bit of a tantrum that he couldn't stop.

Time outs are different as those of our past, as we don't discuss anything after they are over.  There are no forced apologies.  It's mostly a cooling off period, and I have to say it works.  By the time it's done, the issue has passed and tempers have calmed.

The biggest change I have seen has been in myself: I have not yelled.  I don't think at all, actually, in the past week.  When I start to get flustered and upset, I think, "What am I doing?  Why am I not counting?????"  And I calmly say, "That's 1."  I feel like I am doing well with this segment of the program, the "STOP" behaviors, but need review and practice with the "START" behaviors that require more long-term motivation.

I am pleased with how things are going thus far.  I think the boys' behavior will continue to improve as we get back on schedule with the start of school.  Their arguments should lessen some simply because they will have more time apart.  My favorite thing is that this is also something I can use in my classroom, so it feels like a 2-for-1!  I have to say that with the results I've gotten, I do believe in magic.  I'll let you know how I do in the coming transitions, and with encouraging those "START" behaviors.

Have you tried 1, 2, 3: Magic?  What do you think of it?  If you haven't tried it, but need a new strategy, I encourage you to give it a shot!  And a special thank you to my dear friend, Nicolle, who kindly recommended the book to me.  It's been a lifesaver! 

Nature Calls: A Photo Post

Today, we enjoyed the beauty of nature.  Even our dog, Daisy, got to tag along.  Though this was our first official hike, I have a feeling there will be more in our future.

8 More Days

Now that we're down to just over a week until school starts, I am no longer looking forward to it.  I'm feeling the need to squeeze every last ounce out of summer that I can.  Instead of feeling anxious about my own class this year, as I would usually be at this point, I am filled with anxiety about my boys.  How will they transition?  Will they like their teachers?  Will their teachers like them?  Will Cole make at least one good friend in his class?

I already know Reed has a good buddy in his class, which is a huge improvement from last year.  It was then that I realized how truly important that knowledge is for peace of mind, how grateful I am for my children's friends.   I searched frantically for at least one pal that was in his class.  Luckily, there was one, but until I knew that, I was filled with dread.

Reed had a much more difficult time starting kindergarten than I ever expected.  I mean, he went to daycare/preschool since he was two, so leaving me was not a new experience.  At his orientation, he refused to ride the bus or visit the kindergarten classroom.  When I dropped him off on his first day, he clung to me, screaming and crying, until the principal had to remove him from me and usher him into his classroom.  I left with him still crying hysterically, and worried about him.  All.  Day.  Long.

While the first few weeks were rough, each day got better and easier.  Reed had a fantastic teacher and a great experience the rest of the year.  In first grade, we faced another transition.  Because our district primarily offers half-day kindergarten, we had sent him to a Catholic school so that he could attend full-day.  So, in first grade, he moved on to our local elementary school.  I actually requested for him to be with the one friend in out neighborhood who he has known since he was born, to make the move easier.  And it was.  So much easier.  We lucked out and Reed again had a wonderful teacher.

By second grade, even though I felt uncertain and worried (about the initial lack of friends in his class), I knew he would be okay.  As a mom and a teacher, I want to allow things to fall where they may as much as possible.  I believe that my children will end up with the teachers they should, with the friends they should.  I want them to deal with adversity now, to see that they can overcome it, and develop confidence in their own resilience.

In eight days, this guy will start kindergarten.  On Monday, we will attend his orientation.  I am excited to see how things go for him.  The situation is different: he'll ride the bus with his big brother.  He's been to the school several times already for the extensive program they have for incoming kindergarteners.  He will only be in school for half the day, upon which I will pick him up.

Until then, we will enjoy our last few days of summer.  (And I'll secretly deal with my feelings of dread and anxiety.)

Update on Our Magic

Update on Our Magic

 Shavahn August 9, 2017 

We are currently on day 3 of Magic 1, 2, 3.  Day 1 was great.  We never reached 3.  The kids were excited about it.  All was well with the world.

Yesterday, we had a big day and were out and about all day long.  Reed was fine, but Cole was testy.  Because we were with other people, it was inconvenient to do a time-out there, so I did a suggested Time Out Alternative and removed “technology time” from today.  He ended up losing 45 minutes, but was surprisingly OK with it this morning when I informed him his time was up.

He just finished his first time out of the day (it’s 8:49 AM) after throwing a little tantrum.  So far, we have mixed results, but I know it will take time for him to know I’m serious and to develop the self-control necessary to stop at 1 or 2.  I like that I’m not raising my voice or getting into a power struggle with him.  I’ll keep updating every few days or as we have any big successes or pitfalls.

Hoping for Magic

Hoping for Magic

 Shavahn August 7, 2017 kids/family

Well, yesterday was not my best parenting day.  For the first time since I recorded Cole’s meltdown, he had another one – an epic one.  He was swimming and squirting the adults with a water gun.  I calmly asked him to stop squirting us, as it was chilly and we didn’t want to get wet.  He did it again, so I told him to give me the gun or get out of the pool.  After some struggle, I finally got the water gun.  Some time passed and Cole began to argue with Reed and my nephew.  This resulted in Cole hitting Reed, so I told Cole to get out of the pool for a time out.  He refused.  Reed helped get him to where I could reach him, so I pulled him out of the pool to sit out.  As I was holding him there, he was yelling at me and spitting at me.  Finally, he hit me, so I told him he had to go home.  I wrestled him to the car and into his seat, which he promptly unbuckled.  It took a while, but I finally got him to buckle in and started home with him yelling the entire way.  How mean I was.  To stop it.  Yelling “annoying” over and over.  I didn’t look at him and just kept driving.  We got home.  Thankfully, Chad relieved me and stayed home with Cole so I could go cool down.  Cole took a nap and woke up in a much better mood.  I, however, knew I needed to try something new.

Enter 1, 2, 3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 by Thomas W. Phelan.  This book was recommended by a dear friend after my video and post about Cole.  While I promptly purchased the book, I didn’t immediately start reading it.  Well, I began reading last night and started the counting portion this morning (that’s all the further I got so far).  I explained the simple procedure to the kids and feel ready to start.  Excited, really.  The book promises results.  The procedure is simple.  I like that if I follow it, I will stop the yelling, over-explaining, and totally losing my cool (to put it mildly).  I recognize these are not helpful practices and they are actually exacerbating the situation, that I need to change my actions every bit as much as Cole does, if not more so.  This starts today.  I’ll report back on our progress.  As of now, I’m feeling hopeful.  (And I’m hoping for some magic…)

On Raising Two Strong-Willed Children

On Raising Two Strong-Willed Children

 Shavahn July 25, 2017 kids/family

My last post served two purposes.  First, it was cathartic: it felt good to get it out and to receive support from other moms who struggle at times.  Second, the feedback helped me to identify what is going on with Cole.  While I am completely open to having him evaluated if necessary, I don’t want to create a diagnosis where there is none.  I trust his preschool teachers immensely and I know they would tell us if they saw indications of anything out of the ordinary.  Through several discussions, I finally realized that, like Reed, Cole is simply strong-willed.  He is just even more strong-willed.

This realization was precisely what I needed.  It’s changed my view of the situation, has helped me to step back and refocus.  I’m reading up on how I should react to help him gain control over his own will and emotions.  Really, I suppose none of this should be a surprise to me: I was a strong-willed child and I am a strong-willed adult.  This has served me well in attaining my goals, as my mom helped me learn how to focus and use my will appropriately.  Now I just need to help my kids to do the same.

We started intervening with Reed much earlier, so at 8, he is already pretty successful at managing himself.  It’s taken us longer to recognize that Cole needs the same assistance.  (It’s like when you’re looking in the refrigerator for ketchup and can’t find it, even though it’s right in front of your face.)

Whether it be because of my improved attitude, the reading I’ve been doing, luck, or Cole growing and maturing, I’m not sure, but Cole has had four good days now.  They haven’t been perfect, but it has been the reprieve that I so desperately needed.  I feel more prepared to help him channel his will toward positive pursuits.  While I’m sure to get weary at times, as Cole will not likely let up for long, I am grateful that my children share my tenacious personality.  That they will go after what they want.  That they have the backbone to stand up for what they believe.

I’m also grateful for the feedback that helped me to examine our situation, and for the support many of you offered.  Thanks for reaching out to this flawed mama who’s trying to do her best.

On being a (temporary) stay-at-home mom: Dedicated to my younger son

On being a (temporary) stay-at-home mom: Dedicated to my younger son

 Shavahn July 22, 2017 kids/family

This is the first time I am (almost) anxious for summer to be over.  Much of this has to do with the fact that I am off on sabbatical for the upcoming school year, so I will not be going back.  The rest is due to an abundance of behavior that is featured in this video (notice the song playing in the background):

Cole screaming

This child takes everything out of me.  Where did this monster come from???  He is 5 years old and instead of getting better, his behavior continues to get worse.  He is extremely verbal, yet needs constantly reminded to use his words to express how he is feeling, rather than hitting, growling, and screaming.  The tantrum you just witnessed was because he refused to ask nicely for his kindle.  That was all.  I just wanted him to say please instead of talking to me like a servant.  In the past few days, we’ve had two tantrums over water.  Water!  Once I took a sip of his water (the nerve, I know!) and the other time my husband forgot his water bottle at the baseball game.  Just an ordinary plastic water bottle that belongs in the recycling can.  Twenty minutes he screamed for that one as I tried not to throw up in the front seat due to food poisoning or a stomach bug.  I’m not sure how much longer I can maintain my sanity and patience.  After all, I am a human being.  A flawed one at that.

Sometimes I wish I had left him in daycare throughout the summer.  Sometimes I wish I had signed him up for the full-day kindergarten lottery and he had been selected.  I chose to take an educational sabbatical at precisely this time so I could refresh and recoup professionally, stay home and spend time with him while he’s still little.  So he could go to morning kindergarten and he and I could hang out together while his big brother is still in school the rest of the day.

This child who I love more than life itself.  This child who can be so tender and sweet sometimes.  This child who is chipping away at me every day.  I don’t think I could do it long-term.  At least, not if his behavior continues this way.  I think I recall Reed going through a similar stage, possibly at the same age, and he’s a pretty great kid now.  I pray there is still hope for Cole to outgrow this, to not be 15 and still throwing a tantrum because I took a sip of his drink.

Sometimes as I’m restraining Cole (from hitting me or his brother), I think back to when I was a Dog Whisperer fan.  Cesar Millan would be working calmly with a dog who was trying to attack him and bite his head off and he would say, “This is good.  This is good.”  As if those steps were a necessary part of taming the wild beast.  I think to myself, as Cole is thrashing, pinching, and trying to scream in my ear: “This is good.  This is good.”  I feel like I’m breaking a wild horse or something to that effect.

I have been envious of stay-at-home moms for years.  I get a taste over holidays and each summer, and wish I could be home with my kids all the time.  Now that I am home for the next 13 months (taking classes, but not working), I’m not feeling so envious.  I know I’m fortunate, and I’m grateful to have a job to go back to.  The times when they are getting along and playing are amazing.  I love when we’re all three having a great time together.  But the fighting and the tantrums take up such a huge portion of the day.  The whining.  The complaining.  It makes my head hurt.  Ugh.

I’ll end with my best Cole story ever.  Of all time.  It was before he was a monster.  He was probably a year and a half or so, and I took him to the zoo.  Reed was in daycare, so it was just Cole and me.  Cole was in and out of the stroller to look at animals, so I didn’t have him buckled.  I needed to use the bathroom, and he was kind of potty training at that point.  So, he got out and touched the potty.  I wanted to wipe his hands, but he grabbed a french fry from his stroller tray before I had a chance.  If you don’t know me, I am a major germ-a-phobe.  I sent him over to the trash can to throw the yucky fry away as I pulled a Handi-wipe out of the container.  When I looked up with the wipe in hand, I see Cole is holding a bloody pad!  (Not mine!)  I shriek for him to put it in the garbage and head toward him with the wipe as he sticks his hand in his mouth!!!!!  (I know- you probably threw up a little bit in your mouth, didn’t you???)  Finally I get his hands clean and I am able to use the bathroom.  As I’m pulling up my shorts, Cole pushes open the bathroom door to a line of ladies waiting.  One of them gently ushers him back in and closes the stall door saying, “We’ve all been there, honey.”

Perhaps I need the same words of encouragement right now.  Have you been there?  Will things get better?  Do you promise?

Summer, Classes, and Baseball: Oh My!

Summer, Classes, and Baseball: Oh my!

 Shavahn July 12, 2017 kids/family, school/teaching

I have not written in two months!  Well, I have written a LOT of assignments for my summer grad school class over the last five weeks, but I have not blogged at all.  So, I had three days off between the end of the school year and when I started my first (and only summer, thankfully) class toward my Gifted Education Certificate.  The program is online, which is a format I’ve never utilized before because it’s been 16(!) years since I completed my masters degree and got my teaching job. So, upon seeing the syllabus, I was so intimidated and worried.  Each time I looked at the enormous textbook I was supposed to read over the course of five weeks, I started to hyperventilate a little bit.  While I feel like I’m just now starting my summer, I am glad I’ve successfully completed three of my 18 credits.

If that wasn’t enough to thwart my relaxed summer schedule, my husband added to the busyness by getting my older son involved in tournament baseball.  I love watching him and his team play, but the weekends are overwhelming at times.  AND I volunteered to take individual and team pictures for them.  So, here are the ones I took of Reed.  I’m planning on taking more of him tonight, as well as the team photos.  Then I will spend many more hours editing to make some products I’m proud of.

That’s where I’ve been.  Nothing too exciting, just busy with the craziness that is life.

Mother's Day

Mother’s Day

 Shavahn May 14, 2017 kids/family

It is on this day that I am reminded of all that is important in my life.  Family.  My children.  I am so grateful to be a mom, that I have been blessed with these two little boys, to guide them and raise them to be kind and independent young men.  Prior to being a mother, I didn’t know it was possible to love someone else so much.  Sure, I love my husband, but it isn’t a transformative love like a mother’s love.  And until you are a mother, you never know this type of love.

While I have written about my love for my children in a prior post, I have not yet written about my own mother (other than almost losing her in an accident).  Yet she has been the single most important person in my life.  The one constant.  Because of this, she was also the one who took on the brunt of my anger and frustration, regardless of who provoked these feelings.  Still she stayed.  Still she loved me.

She taught me to be strong and independent.  (She’s probably one of the strongest people I know, yet she doesn’t even recognize it.)  She wanted me to be able to take care of myself so that I didn’t HAVE to rely on anyone else.  Because of her, going to college and getting an education was never an option – it was just what I was going to do.  No question.

From my mom, I learned that it’s far more important to be a parent, to set boundaries, than it is to be your child’s friend.  I learned to be responsible and reliable because that’s what was modeled for me.  I am open and honest with my children because that’s how my mom was with me.  She has almost single-handedly shaped me into who I am today because she raised me by herself.

Sure, my dad was there early-on.  Until the divorce when I was five or six.  For a few years after that, for visits.  Child support until the day I turned 18.  In and out of my life until I got married: when he didn’t want to even pay for the people in his family to be at the wedding, so he decided not to come, which officially severed our relationship for good.  My mother remained, through it all, filling the place of both mother and father.

Though she couldn’t afford for us to go on vacations, if I was invited to go with a friend’s family, she made sure to find enough so that I was able to go.  So that I could have experiences that she couldn’t provide for me.  She demonstrated the importance of education, working hard to go to night school, to better her life and therefore, mine.  She was the family provider.

On this day, I am not only grateful to be a mother, but to have such a wonderful mother.  I’m lucky enough to not have to do it alone, to have a supportive and amazing husband by my side.  However, because I was raised by a woman with such strength – of mind and character – I know I would be capable.  I had such a great role model.  Mom, I love you.  On this day and always.  Happy Mother’s Day from your one and only.  For better or for worse.

Party Punch

Party Punch

 Shavahn April 16, 2017 favorite recipes

Somewhere along the way, this punch became a staple at each and every family function.  This Easter, the tradition continues, with young and old enjoying this tasty beverage.

Ingredients

1 can (6 oz.) frozen orange juice concentrate, thawed in refrigerator

1 can (6 oz.) frozen lemonade concentrate, thawed in refrigerator

1 quart apple juice, chilled

2 quarts Canada Dry ginger ale, chilled

1/2 small container rainbow sherbet

Directions

Mix concentrates and apple juice together in large punch bowl.  Stir in ginger ale.  Scoop sherbet into balls and spoon into punch.  Serve immediately.  Enjoy!

Best sangria ever!!!

Best Sangria Ever!!!

 Shavahn April 16, 2017 favorite recipes

While I am not a fan of wine, I am a HUGE fan of sangria!  I’ve worked long and hard to find a good recipe.  Upon finding this one, I perfected it by experimenting to discover the absolute best ingredients.  I’ve received many compliments on it, and serve it at nearly every party I host.  This year, it is going to accompany our Easter dinner.  You won’t be sorry if you choose to try it!

Ingredients

1 bottle Chateau Ste. Michelle Merlot

1 lemon, sliced

1 lime, sliced

1 orange, sliced

2 Tbsp sugar

1/2 of 11.5 oz. bottle of orange juice

2 shots gin

1 cup frozen raspberries

small can pineapple chunks in juice

4 cups Canada Dry ginger ale, chilled

Directions

Mix the first nine ingredients together in large pitcher and allow to sit for at least a few hours in the refrigerator.  JUST BEFORE SERVING, add in the ginger ale.  Pour into a wine glass, sit back, and enjoy!  Should you find the need to make a second batch (and if it’s more than just you drinking, you probably will), no need to add another batch of lemons, limes, oranges, or raspberries.  Just keep the fruit from your first batch and add in new wine, gin, OJ, pineapples in juice, ginger ale, and sugar.  Mix it all together and you’re good to go!

Perfection

Perfection

 Shavahn April 12, 2017 joy, kids/family

Beautiful day. Ice cream. Cute boy in a good mood. Perfection.

Coming on Sunday : I’ll share my favorite Sangria recipe and my family’s favorite punch recipe! More perfection!